College Road Trip: On our Way

The bags are packed

photo 3-75

The tours have been scheduled and the maps printed out

photo 4-68

The restaurants have been Happy Cow‘ed

photo-153

when you go to Southern California (Vegan hub of the golden state), you have to visit at least a few. #priorities

We’ve cleaned out the fridge…

photo 4-66

photo 5-40

Well, sometimes you find yourself about to leave for a week with two GIANT zucchinis, a huge bunch of veganic* chard, and a large bag of baby potatoes…hence the veggie filled dinner…

*veganic is food grown organically (no pesticides) without animal fertilizers. So it’s vegan-organic. Get it? Theres a veganic farm at a near farm sanctuary. No risk of E.Coli or other diseases!!!

Frozen what we couldn’t consume

photo 4-67

Look at all of those bananas…so close to banana bread :(…

photo 2-77

And yes, that would be bananas, tortillas, and avocados. I also froze half of a breakfast cake. Deal.

And made ice cream with some leftovers…

photo 5-41

sometimes you turn fails (lemon tofu frosting with WAY too much xanthan gum…) into successes (lemon vanilla ginger apricot ice cream/sorbet) ice cream is kept in the freezer. I am justified.

My mom caught me cleaning out the vitamix

photo 1-74

and by cleaning I mean licking.

and by “my mom caught me” I mean I giggled about how funny it would be if she had, contemplated asking her to take a picture of what I was doing, and decided to take a selfie instead. #noshame. #iputhashtagsinmyblogeventhoughtheyarepointlesshere #dealwithit. 😉

And with that we are all set and ready to leave in the AM!!!

For the next 5 days I am going on a college tour to visit UC Santa Barbara, Pepperdine, UCLA, UC San Diego, and San Diego State University. I may or may not blog in the next few days, but I will take lots of pictures for you I promise!!!

Here I go!

Advertisements

Currently.

Soo…I’ve been seeing these ‘Currently’ posts up around blog land (I love that it’s called that.) and I thought I’d join in on the fun! Also, I want to post about something other than food today 😉

Current Book

photo 2-75

A Thousand Sisters by Lisa Shannon. This book is remarkable, its a true story chronicling 5 months that Shannon spent in Congo, listening to the stories that the women, children, and other victims of violence during the war in Congo had endured. It is very powerful.

Current Music

photo-1

Disney Pandora. All day, every day 😀 And yes, I sing along. My neighbors love me 😉

Current Guilty Pleasure

Okay, I was going to say something slightly cheesy like lazy summer mornings, but lets be real. Lately my guilty pleasure has been attention see (girl talk time), now I’m up to a weight that I am starting to have a figure other than that of an 11 year old, and my neighborhood has plenty of young teenage (and older teenage) boys. So I’ve gotten a couple of cat calls and “nice butt”s whilst running or walking my doggies. I always act disgusted and avoid eye contact, but secretly, I don’t mind. Man, I feel like a woman (ish) 😉

Current Nail Color

photo 1-72

Kiki from Zoya. I literally just painted my nails, hence the messiness. I paint my whole finger to make sure the nail part is perfect, the rest comes off later 😉 please tell me I’m not the only one!

Current Drink

photo-148

I defy summer and drink tea even at 2:00 in the afternoon! Its a new to me flavor, and I have a feeling I’ll like it better cold. Fruity tea tastes like watered down juice to me. Iced fruity tea on the other hand is delicious! Especially sun tea.

Current Food

photo 4-65

photo-150

This is basically my latest obsessions. Yes, I still eat my oats and my greens, but lately I’ve been lovin on the sweet potatoes (have you tried topping them with almond butter? Divine!), summer fruit by the (cereal or larger) bowlfulls, chocolate almonds and Cinnamon Crunch (the organic, ‘healthy’ cinnamon toast crunch from Cascadian Farms.)

Fun Fact! Rarely do I eat a bowl of cereal (i.e. with milk for breakfast). However, as a topping and as a munchy movie snack, its my favorite.

Current Favorite TV Show

images

I decided to watch So You Think You Can Dance this season and I must say, I do enjoy it! Its like a more interesting, less receptive American Idol, and some of the dancers are just breathtaking.

Fun Fact!! I danced at the same studio that Dominic “D-Trix” Sandoval (season 7) started at! He once helped ‘teach’ one of my ballet classes for the day, but mostly everyone was just cracking up. I also go to the same high school he went to 🙂

Current Wish list

All of the clothes!!! Every time I go to the mall, it’s like a reminder of what great fashion instinct I have, and how (comparatively and relatively) little I have to spend on those clothes. Either everything should be free, or I need to get a job. sigh…

Current Needs

More henna so I can re-dye my hair!! Its faaaadddiiinnggg!!!! I want my bright red haaiiiirrrrrr back!

Current Triumphs

photo 2

Check out that plank! Okay, so it wasn’t all a ‘normal’ plank, because I break it up by doing like, 1 or 2 minutes normal, then a minute per side and keep changing it up, but still. Thats awesome.

Current Bane of my Existence

Two blisters from my new running shoes. I love the shoes, but they aren’t broken in yet!!! Also, if you pop a blister, do it after you shower. Never has water been so painful. (sorry)

Current Celebrity Crush

1534_10151661961303482_1973875233_n

Need I say more??

Current Indulgence

photo-149

I baked a triple batch of brownies for a potluck today. Of course I licked the bowl! And maybe had a lot few chocolate chips on the side 😉 testing for poison, obvs. 

Current Blessing

photo-152

Beautiful Summer evenings and walks with my Sophie 🙂 Its been absolutely lovely lately. Only in the upper 80’s!!

Current Outfit

Sweat pant shorts and a production shirt for Bye Bye Birdie. No picture for this one, its my jammies haha!

Current Excitement

Can I have multiple??

I got new shooeeesss:D

photo 3-73

Also I am leaving in a few days for a COLLEGE ROADTRIP!!! Gonna go down to southern California to visit potential colleges! (and beaches, you know 😉 ). So excited!!

Current Mood

sleepy. This is the second time I’ve sat down to write this, and its 11:00 pm. I know, I know, I’m such a night owl 😉

Current Link

Hannah’s American snack food review.

Its just so hilarious, yet so true. Although I have to admit, sometimes I wonder what those things (cupcake pop tarts/goldfish) would taste like were I not vegan. And against food dye and chemicals. And the American Food industry. I’m too cynical. 😉

What are your ‘currentlys’? Answer any of the above!! 

My Story (Pt. 1)

Warning: This Post May Be Triggering…

I was going through the junk under my bed today, trying to decide which items would be considered keepers, donations, or throw aways, when I found some things that brought up some (not so) happy memories. I found my first ED journal, the paper that consisted of my first calorie count (being taught to me by my mother), and other things that were leftover from last summer. I decided that today would be a good day to share my story, or at least begin it, while my mind was on it.

I was a generally happy, healthy kid. Sure, I’d had some problems in my life, but I never really let it get to me, at least not that much. But looking back, I do recognize in myself behaviors that could be considered unreasonable, even before the ED really began. I was self conscious, a little vain, goody two-shoes (Never got a time out but I cried the one time I got a warning), peace maker, etc. I strived to be perfect. I wanted to be better than anyone else, the role model, the little angel, the smartie pants, you know. I put myself up to high expectations. My step mom told me that maybe I would be the one who would finally get my parents to stop fighting, maybe I would be the first of the kids who wouldn’t pick a side because the stress from living in two houses was too much to bear. I believed it. I would be the favorite.

When I was in sixth grade, my mom started getting on track towards healthier eating. Throughout middle school, I rebelled against it. I mean, a yogurt cheese and spinach sandwich on dry sprouted wheat bread?? ew. just ew. My sister and I would hide our halloween candy under our beds to eat it without mom knowing. One of my friends once gave me a bag of Cheetos puffs after a sleepover, so sister and I shared it and hid it in our rooms, never to tell mom. I never really thought I would one day be hiding food from mom so that I wouldn’t eat it though. Gaining weight was I guess a little frowned upon at our house, and at my dad’s house it wasn’t. “Bad” food galore, fast food, junk food, ice cream, chips and treats. All readily available. I liked that food a lot more at that time. I slowly started to gain weight, but I wasn’t getting any taller (i.e. I’m a junior and Ive been 5’1″ since 7th grade). I wasn’t totally comfortable with it either, but I shrugged it off. I didn’t think it was a bad weight, I felt good, what was wrong? It wasn’t until we were weighed in PE, and the weight was read aloud that I really became semi-self concious about the weight. Just a simple remark from a stupid kid when he said after my turn “Daaaannnngggg Lacey!”. I wasn’t sure if he thought that was a lot or a little, but I didn’t like the comment.

Between middle and high school, I started dancing at a new, more intense dance school. We only wore tights and a leotard during class, and as the new girl I was put into a younger age group until I could catch up with the girls my age. I felt just horrible. Clumsy. Revealed. At the same time, my mom told me that if I really wanted to stay at this school, put time, effort, and money into this, I needed to commit and treat my body right to be the best dancer I could be. She had me go weigh myself. 116. Really?! Try again without your clothes on. 115. Okay, so maybe you should think about losing about 5 or 10 pounds. Can you do that? Sure I said. Whatever. Of course I didn’t really lose any weight. Instead I only became more aware of it. All I saw was this fat, untalented, stupid girl who would soon have no friends because I was starting a new district and I was going to be a laughing stock. I even wrote a “Dear Abby” letter to the newspaper, asking her what I should do. “I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. I hate it. But I’m scared, I don’t think this is what I should be feeling. I don’t want an eating disorder. How can I lose 5 pounds safely without it turning into something bad?”. I never told anyone. I never even got a reply.

School started, I was more self-conscious than ever. Rather than losing the weight, I began to gain even more. More rapidly. I was eating a lot of junk food, snacking mostly. I would eat spoonfuls of peanut butter straight from the jar, I kept going back for more, until I felt sick and was about to cry. I guess in a way I was an emotional eater. I knew I was gaining weight, but I didn’t know how much. Between August and October I gained about 15 lbs. Around Halloween, I had a small party with my friends. I thought I looked great in my costume, which was a kinda revealing, old dance costume. That night one of my friends had forgotten her jammies, so my mom lent her a pair of yoga pants. The next morning, my friend and I took my dogs for a walk, only this time I was wearing the pants because I didn’t have any clean clothes and she was wearing her own jeans. When we got home, my mom took me aside and told me to take off her pants, I wasn’t to wear her clothes without asking. Practically in tears I complied. Later, in the car, I got a talking to by my mom and stepdad about how my mother worked hard to maintain her size and wanted her clothes to stay nice, didn’t want me to stretch them out. It was a very emotional car ride. The next day I asked my mom to help me lose weight.

Thats enough for now, I will talk more about the rest later. I guess I just needed to start letting things go, tell someone other than a counselor. I don’t want to keep this part of my life a secret anymore, because I want to be accountable. I won’t allow this to be something I am ashamed of.

Smash the Scale

There was a time, not too long ago, when a square, cold hunk of metal ruled my life.

The (not so) mighty scale.

I would religiously weigh myself every morning. Most afternoons. Many evenings. Before and after a shower (because of the dirt, you see). Before and after exercise (how hard should I/did I work).With clothes, then without. Mealtime, restroom, whenever I got the chance. I was glad once I got contacts (wouldn’t be adding that stupid half ounce from my glasses), I cursed the day I got braces (metal mouth=extra weight). It was ridiculous. I loved it. Especially because it was in my parents bathroom. I had to sneak in. Stealth. Adrenaline rush. I was a scale junkie…

Aside from that, I was being weighed at the doctor, dietician, gym and house (by my mom). Seldomly was I turned around. Told to close my eyes, sure, but I always peeked. I never let anyone know that of course, to them, my tears and cries of “I’m trying! I didn’t know I was losing weight!! I thought I was doing good!” were sincere. In my head I was always saying “haha suckers.”

But as my ED progressed, my dietician forbade me from the scale. I stopped weighing myself on my own. It was hard, I was addicted. Going to someone else’s house with a scale in their bathroom was an ultimate test, but I did it.

The problem was that it was still there. Calling me. “oh, you really shouldn’t do that, go see what it did to you”.

When I was in my outpatient recovery program, we had weekly family sessions. At one of these sessions, we discussed triggers in the home. After, my brother took our family scale, that cold omnipresent hunk of depression, outside. And we smashed it. It was the best feeling. I felt free. We all did.

For a while, things were going great.

One month ago, two months out of my recovery program, I wandered into my parent’s bathroom to grab the nailpolish remover. And thats when I saw it. A shiny new scale. Glass, digital, 10x more accurate than the little old spinning dial scale. It even weighs to the tenth of a pound. I was agahst. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought “Are they trying to kill me?” The temptation was back. The cloud was back. But I promised myself ImnotgoingtodoitI’mbetterthanthatI’mfinejustfine.

Three days later I weighed myself. I told myself it was just to calm the nerves. One qick look and I’llshowyouEDIdon’tneedyou. What a lie. I knew it too.

I asked my mom about the scale. She defended that they (the parents) need it to keep their weight in check and maybe I just shouldn’t be allowed in their room. The very same person that 2 months earlier had admitted that she, too, let the scale dictate her life, was telling me that it was to rule again.

I vented about it to my counselor. I had just told her about smashing the scale a week ago, and now it was back. “No, I haven’t weighed myself, I’m past that. Its the principle of the thing” I told her. I had weighed myself twice by then.

Its starting to get ridiculous now. And I am ready to be done. I know it. I just need to convince the voice in my head that I’m ready. So thats what this is for. No, I can’t smash the new, glass, digital, fancy pants scale. But I can smash the voice in my head telling me I need it. I can watch the video we took of when we smashed the first scale. And I can keep moving on.

I invite you to join me. Smash your scale. Document it. Live freely. Because we are all worth so much more than a number, even if it is digital to the tenth of a pound.