Help.

Because my other choice of title was too long.

That deep (and likely very triggering, sorry.) post where I apologize, have too many thoughts and not enough pictures, a little TMI, confess, cry, reach out for help and make promises I hope to keep.

Im sorry that I haven’t posted any recipes since January. Im sorry my blog has changed. Im sorry I don’t reply to all of your comments, or post very often, or comment on your blog either. I feel really guilty, but I have no time when I want to write and no motivation when I have time. I hope that someday I can be a ‘real’ blog, but thats not in the cards right now. The rest of this post might get triggering, because thats where I am right now and I just need this to be a place for me to say my thoughts. Without judgement, or feeling guilty that I can’t be everything. Im sorry.

Help me. Please. Its at me again, I can feel it trying to consume me. And thats why Im not doing my homework. I just need to vent. Before I chicken out. But lets start a few months ago.

Remember this post? Well I was doing awesome (mostly) until a few weeks ago. I gained weight and stopped the gym, yada yada. I felt incredible. But I was still going on secret runs, and they were getting longer. 8 miles. Then 9 miles, 10, 11. Each new goal wasn’t enough, I had to reach the next milestone. I still gained, I still ate. But can I tell you another secret? I still wasn’t eating enough grains at breakfast.

Then I reached what I call my ‘threshold weight’. That one where I have gone past my comfort level, if only by a pound. And thats when I started telling myself I could stop gaining. Iย had to stop gaining. Then I had to start losing, back into my comfort level. I’m short 5’1”, so my window is only about 10 pounds between under where I need to be and my ‘threshold’.

The same time I reached that weight I hurt myself. Two weeks ago yesterday, actually. I believe a pinched sciatic nerve. (Will it get better?) I ran anyway. It got worse, I didn’t care. I could only go 3 miles before the pain was too much to bear. I ran anyway. Asprin. I said it was my way of telling the pain to suck it. Plus I started restricting.

Anyway yesterday was bad. I had the opportunity to run but I decided against it -too much pain. Too much anxiety. I ate a veggie binge of a dinner, because thats what I do. I couldn’t concentrate. I decided to make a cup of coffee, because I know its a diuretic and it would make me feel better. I was right. My mind calmed, my anxiety went away, I was comfortable. But I didn’t eat anything after 6:00. I went to bed starving. I couldn’t sleep because of the caffeine. Today was better. I didn’t have any anxiety, my pain was miraculously gone. I still restricted somewhat. But then I tried to run, and it hurt. I kept running until I couldnt and only got 2 miles before I stopped and almost cried. Now both of my hips are screaming with pain and my thigh randomly too but I still feel the need to restrict even though Ive lost almost all of that hard work of gained and Im scared and I need help.

And nobody knows that Im relapsing. Nobody ever knows because I have perfected lying and cheating and faking it, and except for my weight there is no way to tell.

You guys, Im almost 17 and Ive never had my period. I haven’t grown since the 7th grade. I don’t have anything on top to speak of. Im a little kid and Im scared. I was going to say a few weeks ago, the last week of February, also NEDA awareness week, that it was exactly a year ago I was admitted into New Dawn, my after school treatment facility.This disease has had me for all of high school. My weight has fluctuated at least 90 lbs in the last 3 years (If you combine gains and losses). Why do I even know this? There were inklings of it earlier. When I was little I used to pray to God that my thighs would stop jiggling. They never were though. Where am I now?

Im scared to press publish. Because Im afraid of what will happen. Not when you guys see it, but when people who know me do. Is this too triggering? Too blatant? Pro-Ed? Im not trying to be, Im being honest. This is like my diary today. Please.

If you didn’t read it thats okay. I tend to skip through word-only posts most of the time too, unless I know I need to read it. If its important. But everyone needs a words-only post once in a while right?

Why won’t Ed just freaking leave me alone!?!?!?!?

Help?

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Help.

  1. Lacey,oh Lacey… It hurts so much to read this; it hurts so much to know you’re suffering.
    I was so happy reading about how great things seemed to be going for you and,well,how “free” you appeared to be. “This is exactly what she deserves”, I thought, “finally.”
    But at the same time,I knew it couldn’t be that easy.
    You know,I can very well relate to what you’re going through as I’ve been there like a thousand times before myself already… For a while,everything’s great,life is amazing,you are happy.
    And then – CRASH – you lose sight of where you are. Where to go. What to do.
    You feel trapped inside of that vicious cycle again,realize you’ve never made it to the “escape” actually and that you’ve lost your way again,ending up somehwere far away from the rescuing door.
    And you fall… Into a deep,dark hole. Again. Alone. With nothing to hold on to.
    Faking a smile,you face your loved ones and pretend to be well,only to secretly continue destroying yourself when they’re not looking.
    And all the time,you’re just asking yourself one question: “Why?”
    I’m not going to lie here,Lacey – I don’t know why. I don’t know why you are feeling the desire to vanish. To disappear. To die.
    Cause that’s what will happen in the end,right? You know it,I know it; we all do.
    But what are you punishing yourself for?
    In my eyes,you are a beautiful young lady with so many talents. You might feel like your life is over,but honey,it hasn’t even started yet. You’re so young,intelligent and you could have such a bright and successful future. You have so many opportunities; there are so many possibilities to create your life and live your dreams!
    Why won’t you grant yourself a life?
    I know these are very hard questions,but maybe,thinking about them will help you a little in the end.
    It will take its time to recover and leave this all behind you,but it’s possible – if you’re willing to fight for it. Don’t lose hope.
    And if you need someone – I’m always there. Always.

  2. Oh Lacey, I am so, so sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now, and I wish I could be there in person to help you cope. Recovering from an eating disorder is no easy process, and there will definitely be times when you will relapse and fall back into unhealthy habits. Though I never had anorexia, per say, I definitely went through a period in which I restricted my caloric intake in an attempt to eat a “perfect diet;” I suppose I had a case of what they are calling “ortherexia” now. I never intended to lose weight, and I never thought I was fat, but I was terrified of getting high blood pressure, clogged arteries, or some other diet-related condition that so many Americans are being diagnosed with. Though I am in a much healthier place now, I still fall back into bad habits when I get stressed or upset, so I can understand–at least a little–what you are feeling. But I want you to know that you are a special, talented, beautiful, and amazing person, and deserve the best. You still have so much time ahead of you, and so much left to do. It makes me so sad to hear that you are struggling, and I know my words probably won’t make much of a difference, but PLEASE believe that you CAN overcome this. Remember that your health is SO important, and that you should treat your body with the care and respect it deserves. You are a lovely dancer, an intelligent student, and a wonderful person. Don’t give up, as cliche as that sounds, and don’t stop fighting. Please feel free to contact me if you just need someone to vent to; I can give you my email address if you want. Even though I’ve never met you; I truly do want you to be healthy and strong, and my thoughts and prayers will be with you.

  3. I am so, so sorry.
    I know saying that can’t and won’t and doesn’t change anything, but it’s true. I remember when ED had hold of me and I would cry myself to sleep every night; I remember how AWFUL my life was…I wanted to die. And I never, ever, EVER want anyone else to have to go through that. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
    But…
    It gets better. I PROMISE you this. If you can hold onto nothing else, please hold onto this promise. I don’t make promises like this lightheartedly. I’m not sure how it happens, or if it happens all at once or gradually or who/what helps it along or whether it’s all in your head but I DO know that things get better, and all you have to do (okay, so it’s not simple) is hold on until that happens. I’ve never met you, but the sliver of you I’ve met through your blog is beautiful, gifted and talented, lovely, radiant, glowing, and unique. You are a shining star that it would be heartbreaking to see go out. So I believe you have the strength to hang on. Know that people, even the triggering ones, want to help you, and know that working hard to shake off ED doesn’t make you any less valuable as a person!! You are worth exactly the same as myself and everyone family and the person sitting next to you in math class, so fight. Fight for your right to a good long life, because you can WIN and you deserve that.
    It’s going to be a hellish time. There’s no way around that. Rearranging the letters to make “SMILE” will seem pointless and impossible. But you are so strong, girl. You can make it to the end of this rocky, rocky road–and you know what? When you finally are able to say you have regained LIGHT, you’ll be able to see more of it and appreciate more of it than most people on this earth. Only once you’re down on the ground can you realize how beautiful the flowers are.
    Lacey…
    I believe in you.
    I’ve never met you, but I believe in you. I really, really do.
    Email me at thegirlintheorange@gmail.com if you need to talk ED, or about anything else.
    ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Aw hun…this made me sad to read. I identify with you so much. More than you even know. I’ve been in your shoes and know exactly what you’re going through. It’s so hard to fight it. I am currently struggling yet again with my ED and it’s the worst feeling in the world. I just need to work on re-gaining control, just like you do. You can do it…we can both do it! If you need anything, please shoot me an email…we can talk about anything! elise_faust@yahoo.com.

    Hang in there, girl!

  5. The biggest problem is that we teach our daughters that they have to be perfect…anything less than a specific weight and they are nothing…I spent most of my life binging and suffering the opposite to you…I got bigger…and bigger…and at my biggest I hit 110kg. Binge eaters are just anorexics in reverse, anorexia makes you control yourself into oblivion and binge eating makes you eat yourself into oblivion…they both end the same way and you NEED to be out of this space. You are too young to be ripping yourself like this and food has to be taken away from this need to control. You need to remove the association from your fear and that’s what it is…a fear of losing, of gaining, just a huge massive internal fear that you are not good enough and modern society handed you those limes. At the end of the day its all you. You ARE good enough, we wouldn’t come back post after post if you weren’t. You are a beautiful young girl in horrific pain because of an imaginary barrier between you and the world and you are hurting yourself to conform to a “normal” that simply doesn’t exist. There isn’t anything to be won by dancing with ED. I know, I was it’s slave for more years than I want to think about. I don’t need that control any more and I am free and so will you be but you are going to have to be brave about that need for control…

  6. I can’t say I ever did everything in this post but I can definitely relate to some of this post. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am sending good thoughts your way. You are strong. Life always has lows but it also has highs. Strive to reach those highs. If you want someone to talk to (and a guy!) email me aleksanderprus@yahoo.com ! Really please do! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Lacey, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through! I have been there a million times and I know how miserable it can be. I know what it is like to hide the truth but it is so great that you are speaking up!
    I believe that I will always have an ED (it is just a matter of if I choose to act upon it)- and the longer I have it, the sneakier it becomes. However, my greatest freedom has come through learning to love myself at any weight. Because when I am living out of my eating disorder, I will never feel good enough no matter what the scale says.
    I’m sending love and encouragement your way! Feel free to email me at shugurcan@yahoo.com

  8. Oh Lacey, I am proud of you for posting this and I wish I could give you a big hug through my computer screen. You are a beautiful, talented girl, but you need to see that for yourself! I am a big believer in the power of talking to someone–a therapist, support group, whatever. For me yoga has been my guiding light. It has taught me to connect to my body and treat it from a place of love. I still have slip ups and dark days, too, but when I turn off my mind and tune in to my body, I make the right choices. And you know what? I have gained weight from eating more healthy foods, but mostly it’s been from muscle. (And my boobs are bigger too, always a plus!) Please please talk to me if you ever need support or help. I am not licensed to give advise or anything, but I am a spokesperson for our body image group on campus and I would love to try to help you work through this :). Stay strong love!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s