Because my other choice of title was too long.
That deep (and likely very triggering, sorry.) post where I apologize, have too many thoughts and not enough pictures, a little TMI, confess, cry, reach out for help and make promises I hope to keep.
Im sorry that I haven’t posted any recipes since January. Im sorry my blog has changed. Im sorry I don’t reply to all of your comments, or post very often, or comment on your blog either. I feel really guilty, but I have no time when I want to write and no motivation when I have time. I hope that someday I can be a ‘real’ blog, but thats not in the cards right now. The rest of this post might get triggering, because thats where I am right now and I just need this to be a place for me to say my thoughts. Without judgement, or feeling guilty that I can’t be everything. Im sorry.
Help me. Please. Its at me again, I can feel it trying to consume me. And thats why Im not doing my homework. I just need to vent. Before I chicken out. But lets start a few months ago.
Remember this post? Well I was doing awesome (mostly) until a few weeks ago. I gained weight and stopped the gym, yada yada. I felt incredible. But I was still going on secret runs, and they were getting longer. 8 miles. Then 9 miles, 10, 11. Each new goal wasn’t enough, I had to reach the next milestone. I still gained, I still ate. But can I tell you another secret? I still wasn’t eating enough grains at breakfast.
Then I reached what I call my ‘threshold weight’. That one where I have gone past my comfort level, if only by a pound. And thats when I started telling myself I could stop gaining. I had to stop gaining. Then I had to start losing, back into my comfort level. I’m short 5’1”, so my window is only about 10 pounds between under where I need to be and my ‘threshold’.
The same time I reached that weight I hurt myself. Two weeks ago yesterday, actually. I believe a pinched sciatic nerve. (Will it get better?) I ran anyway. It got worse, I didn’t care. I could only go 3 miles before the pain was too much to bear. I ran anyway. Asprin. I said it was my way of telling the pain to suck it. Plus I started restricting.
Anyway yesterday was bad. I had the opportunity to run but I decided against it -too much pain. Too much anxiety. I ate a veggie binge of a dinner, because thats what I do. I couldn’t concentrate. I decided to make a cup of coffee, because I know its a diuretic and it would make me feel better. I was right. My mind calmed, my anxiety went away, I was comfortable. But I didn’t eat anything after 6:00. I went to bed starving. I couldn’t sleep because of the caffeine. Today was better. I didn’t have any anxiety, my pain was miraculously gone. I still restricted somewhat. But then I tried to run, and it hurt. I kept running until I couldnt and only got 2 miles before I stopped and almost cried. Now both of my hips are screaming with pain and my thigh randomly too but I still feel the need to restrict even though Ive lost almost all of that hard work of gained and Im scared and I need help.
And nobody knows that Im relapsing. Nobody ever knows because I have perfected lying and cheating and faking it, and except for my weight there is no way to tell.
You guys, Im almost 17 and Ive never had my period. I haven’t grown since the 7th grade. I don’t have anything on top to speak of. Im a little kid and Im scared. I was going to say a few weeks ago, the last week of February, also NEDA awareness week, that it was exactly a year ago I was admitted into New Dawn, my after school treatment facility.This disease has had me for all of high school. My weight has fluctuated at least 90 lbs in the last 3 years (If you combine gains and losses). Why do I even know this? There were inklings of it earlier. When I was little I used to pray to God that my thighs would stop jiggling. They never were though. Where am I now?
Im scared to press publish. Because Im afraid of what will happen. Not when you guys see it, but when people who know me do. Is this too triggering? Too blatant? Pro-Ed? Im not trying to be, Im being honest. This is like my diary today. Please.
If you didn’t read it thats okay. I tend to skip through word-only posts most of the time too, unless I know I need to read it. If its important. But everyone needs a words-only post once in a while right?
Why won’t Ed just freaking leave me alone!?!?!?!?