Well, the past two weeks have been quite the roller coaster. To say the least, I mean. The angry head of Ed (I have decided to call the eating disorder Ed, instead of ED or the Voice, it helps to separate the personality) has reared his head again as of late, and I am once again confronting him. I am not going into specifics of the disordered behaviors as of late, rather I am here to tell where I am going from here. I am deciding that I need a new approach, a new view. I am moving forward from here, and I am going to stop looking back.
Its time to look for the sunshine.
I have been diligently ending every night with a devotional given to me by my grandmother. It’s nice to end the night filled with love and comfort, and helps wake up with a smile on my face
I’m reducing the stressors in my life, and replacing them with things I love. I decided Calculus wasn’t for me after all. I don’t need it for my major, and I hit my ‘math wall’. I don’t have to be perfect and get straight A’s in all subjects all the time. I’m only human, and I don’t have to do unnecessary stress.
I replaced AP Calculus BC with advanced dance, and for the first time in a long time, I don’t dread the school day. I go with a smile on my face.
I am embracing the lovely life I live
I spent an evening with my mom and grandmother at a pottery painting studio. I made a mug with the saying J’adore la vie. I love Heather’s campaign, and I decided I wanted to remind myself every morning how wonderful this life really is. And how much I have to look forward to. (I wrote this on my french notebook too, I have the class first period so the reminder to love life is the first thing I see every school day)
I am going back on a meal plan to get my weight back up, but I am trying a new approach this time. Instead of writing down and logging every bite I put into my mouth (which can be triggering for me), I worked with my mom and created a sort of cards system.
I have a set number of exchanges I need everyday, and add certain exchanges if I exercise. I have a card for each different exchange that I need, and I keep them in the credit card slots of an old wallet. As I go through my day, each time I use an exchange I move it over to the other pocket of the wallet. At the end of the day, I can then physically see what I am still needing. The rule is that if I exercise, I use up the extra cards first, before the daily ones, so that I make sure to get everything I need – that way I am more accountable for getting the extras on top of the dailies.
The whole system keeps in a wallet that I can take with me wherever I go. No more ‘its the end of the day and I forgot my binder, guess I can’t track my exchanges today’. I’m held more accountable, but it feels more like a game, or task, instead of tedious logging that is easy to lie about. Also, using the pretty colors and drawing hearts on all of the cards help to remind me why I am doing this, to keep me positive.
I am enjoying my surroundings more, taking it all in and being grateful.
Speaking of exercise, I decided that my ‘routine’ is going to be changing quite a bit. For at least the time being, I will not be going to the gym anymore. I know this is not the current trend in blog world, what with all of the weight training, cross fit, and whatnot, but this is what I need. I started going to the gym when I started wanting to lose weight a few years ago, and get healthy. While I love the group classes, and sense of family and encouragement from the instructors and full classes, it is starting to get too competitive there. Also, the gym has always been where I go for ‘exercise’, to ‘burn calories’ and that is not what I want to focus on. Its for the wrong reasons. So for now I am going to be focusing on getting stronger mentally and physically in a different way. Dance will still always be there, and once I add a few healthy pounds I am going to be experimenting with growing my running. Under supervision, of course, but for me running is less about getting exercise and more about running for me. Its freeing, it’s therapeutic. I love seeing myself improve, going farther than ever before. So I will be working with my nutritionist and probably a trainer to figure out how to do this lovely activity safely, proper nourishment included.
This will also help me be more independent, as right now any exercise is dependent on my mother, who has to drive but also goes to the same classes herself. It leads to too much comparison, and I want to be able to separate my needs from hers, so I will be stronger mentally when I am on my own in a few years (I go to college in a year and a half, eeeeeppp!!!)
Most of all, I am finally holding myself to these commitments. I wrote myself a contract, a declaration of independence and freedom you could say. I read it aloud and signed it, and I am asking my family and support circle to sign it too.
I, Lacey, on this day the 20th of January, 2013, am making the promise to myself to heal. To divorce from this plague that has deprived me of living the past two and a half years of my life. To be free of the angry dictator that resides within my mind. I am revolting, I am rebelling, I am taking back what is rightfully mine. My Life. Because it is just that. My Life.
The reasons for this matter of urgency of which I act upon are as follows. The last chapter of my life has not been lived without a second Voice, not my own, taking power over my mind and actions. This Voice has
deprived me of nourishment
worked me to exhaustion
inflicted pain to my body, mentally and physically
hurt my relationships
deprived me of happiness and the enjoyment of life
not allowed my body to grow
lied to me and to others
created undue stress
infiltrated and negatively affected all aspects of my life
created a skewed vision of myself
created false critiques of myself and others
caused an unnecessary number of obsessive thoughts and tears
harmed the functions my body, including but not limited to my heart, stomach, brain, skin, and circulation
taken over my mind, so that I do not think for myself or make decisions based on what is truly best for me.
In the event of the above actions, it is not only right but necessary to end the rule of this Voice so that I may live a life free of hatred and self harm. Therefore, I am making a promise to myself to commit to freeing myself of the tyranny of the Voice, so that my life will be my own. I am aware that the road that I am deciding to take will not be smooth, but I am willing to take it anyway. Though the Voice will try to convince me otherwise, it is a life of love and freedom that I wish to live. With guidance from my family, friends, and my Lord, I promise to begin this journey of healing today, and remember this commitment for the rest of my life.
To trust. To love. To allow. To let go. To be.
Maybe you agree with me and my choices. Maybe you don’t. If you have feedback, good or not, I welcome it. I am not playing around anymore. I want to get better. I am ready. Honestly and truly.
But if you do agree, I ask for your support and your help.
Will you sign too?