Looking Forward

Well, the past two weeks have been quite the roller coaster. To say the least, I mean. The angry head of Ed (I have decided to call the eating disorder Ed, instead of ED or the Voice, it helps to separate the personality) has reared his head again as of late, and I am once again confronting him. I am not going into specifics of the disordered behaviors as of late, rather I am here to tell where I am going from here. I am deciding that I need a new approach, a new view. I am moving forward from here, and I am going to stop looking back.

Its time to look for the sunshine.

I have been diligently ending every night with a devotional given to me by my grandmother. It’s nice to end the night filled with love and comfort, and helps wake up with a smile on my face

IMG_0958

 

IMG_1073

 

IMG_1080

 

 

(Psalm 139)

I’m reducing the stressors in my life, and replacing them with things I love. I decided Calculus wasn’t for me after all. I don’t need it for my major, and I hit my ‘math wall’. I don’t have to be perfect and get straight A’s in all subjects all the time. I’m only human, and I don’t have to do unnecessary stress.

IMG_1085

I replaced AP Calculus BC with advanced dance, and for the first time in a long time, I don’t dread the school day. I go with a smile on my face.

IMG_0217-1

IMG_0997

I am embracing the lovely life I live

IMG_1175

I spent an evening with my mom and grandmother at a pottery painting studio. I made a mug with the saying J’adore la vie. I love Heather’s campaign, and I decided I wanted to remind myself every morning how wonderful this life really is. And how much I have to look forward to. (I wrote this on my french notebook too, I have the class first period so the reminder to love life is the first thing I see every school day)

I am going back on a meal plan to get my weight back up, but I am trying a new approach this time. Instead of writing down and logging every bite I put into my mouth (which can be triggering for me), I worked with my mom and created a sort of cards system.

IMG_1268

I have a set number of exchanges I need everyday, and add certain exchanges if I exercise. I have a card for each different exchange that I need, and I keep them in the credit card slots of an old wallet. As I go through my day, each time I use an exchange I move it over to the other pocket of the wallet. At the end of the day, I can then physically see what I am still needing. The rule is that if I exercise, I use up the extra cards first, before the daily ones, so that I make sure to get everything I need – that way I am more accountable for getting the extras on top of the dailies.

IMG_1267

The whole system keeps in a wallet that I can take with me wherever I go. No more ‘its the end of the day and I forgot my binder, guess I can’t track my exchanges today’. I’m held more accountable, but it feels more like a game, or task, instead of tedious logging that is easy to lie about. Also, using the pretty colors and drawing hearts on all of the cards help to remind me why I am doing this, to keep me positive.

I am enjoying my surroundings more, taking it all in and being grateful.

IMG_1048

Speaking of exercise, I decided that my ‘routine’ is going to be changing quite a bit. For at least the time being, I will not be going to the gym anymore. I know this is not the current trend in blog world, what with all of the weight training, cross fit, and whatnot, but this is what I need. I started going to the gym when I started wanting to lose weight a few years ago, and get healthy. While I love the group classes, and sense of family and encouragement from the instructors and full classes, it is starting to get too competitive there. Also, the gym has always been where I go for ‘exercise’, to ‘burn calories’ and that is not what I want to focus on. Its for the wrong reasons. So for now I am going to be focusing on getting stronger mentally and physically in a  different way. Dance will still always be there, and once I add a few healthy pounds I am going to be experimenting with growing my running. Under supervision, of course, but for me running is less about getting exercise and more about running for me. Its freeing, it’s therapeutic. I love seeing myself improve, going farther than ever before. So I will be working with my nutritionist and probably a trainer to figure out how to do this lovely activity safely, proper nourishment included.

This will also help me be more independent, as right now any exercise is dependent on my mother, who has to drive but also goes to the same classes herself. It leads to too much comparison, and I want to be able to separate my needs from hers, so I will be stronger mentally when I am on my own in a few years (I go to college in a year and a half, eeeeeppp!!!)

Most of all, I am finally holding myself to these commitments. I wrote myself a contract, a declaration of independence and freedom you could say. I read it aloud and signed it, and I am asking my family and support circle to sign it too.

IMG_1270

I, Lacey, on this day the 20th of January, 2013, am making the promise to myself to heal. To divorce from this plague that has deprived me of living the past two and a half years of my life. To be free of the angry dictator that resides within my mind. I am revolting, I am rebelling, I am taking back what is rightfully mine. My Life. Because it is just that. My Life.
The reasons for this matter of urgency of which I act upon are as follows. The last chapter of my life has not been lived without a second Voice, not my own, taking power over my mind and actions. This Voice has
  • deprived me of nourishment
  • worked me to exhaustion
  • inflicted pain to my body, mentally and physically
  • caused anger
  • hurt my relationships
  • deprived me of happiness and the enjoyment of life
  • created anxiety
  • not allowed my body to grow
  • lied to me and to others
  • created undue stress
  • infiltrated and negatively affected all aspects of my life
  • harmed me
  • created a skewed vision of myself
  • created false critiques of myself and others
  • caused an unnecessary number of obsessive thoughts and tears
  • harmed the functions my body, including but not limited to my heart, stomach, brain, skin, and circulation
  • taken over my mind, so that I do not think for myself or make decisions based on what is truly best for me.
   In the event of the above actions, it is not only right but necessary to end the rule of this Voice so that I may live a life free of hatred and self harm. Therefore, I am making a promise to myself to commit to freeing myself of the tyranny of the Voice, so that my life will be my own. I am aware that the road that I am deciding to take will not be smooth, but I am willing to take it anyway. Though the Voice will try to convince me otherwise, it is a life of love and freedom that I wish to live. With guidance from my family, friends, and my Lord, I promise to begin this journey of healing today, and remember this commitment for the rest of my life.
To trust. To love. To allow. To let go. To be.
Myself.

Maybe you agree with me and my choices. Maybe you don’t. If you have feedback, good or not, I welcome it. I am not playing around anymore. I want to get better. I am ready. Honestly and truly.

But if you do agree, I ask for your support and your help.

Will you sign too?

Advertisements

Sometimes I question my sanity…

You know, I don’t really post everything I take a picture of on my WIAW posts, sometimes I, invent, things that seem a little weird. Even to a foodie. It causes me to question my sanity.

I call it an artists license. I may not be able to draw, but I can sure come up with some creative combinations! For example…

IMG_0510

If you decide to shell chickpeas for creamy hummus, did you know you can roast the ‘skins’? Waste not, want not! They end up with the same texture as nori,

IMG_0511

What do you do with weird ‘meal accessories’? Stick it on a salad!!!

IMG_0395

Speaking of salads, have I ever actually given you the recipe for my favorite salad? Whats strange about this one? Well, have you ever put cinnamon and ginger on kale and brussels sprouts??

My absolutely favorite, warming winter salad

  • lettuce or kale, massaged (in avocado/balsamic vinegar mix if you wish)
  • chickpeas
  • celery, cucumber,brussels sprouts, broccoli, beets, carrots, or other veggies (roasted is really good!) Pick your poison medicine 😉
  • Kabocha squash or sweet potato
  • honey mustard
  • cinnamon
  • cranberries, water, stevia, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger

Put all salad ingredients together in a big bowl! Meanwhile, make a quick cranberry sauce by putting cranberries and water to cover in a small bowl and microwaving for 1-1.5 minutes. Smash the berries with a fork and add stevia and spices to taste. Top salad with mustard and cranberry sauce. Eat as is, or its even better if you take it with you in a tupperware for lunch because the components all get tossed around and the squash acts like another dressing, a delicious pumpkiny dressing 🙂 I must eat a version of this every other day!

IMG_0385

Think savory oats are weird? How about my favorite savory breakfast – Curry Oatmeal!! Yes, I top it with ketchup, What?

Curry Oatmeal

  • 1/2 C. oats
  • water
  • curry powder, garam masala, ginger, and cinnamon
  • shredded carrot, zucchini, and/or chopped frozen greens
  • apple, golden raisins, crasins etc.
  • pepper jelly and/or ketchup
  • shredded coconut, pumpkin seeds, or sesame seeds to garnish

Basically, you add the spices and fruits and veggies while its cooking, and then top with the condiments and nutty things. Whatever combo appeals, but trust me, its not as weird as it sounds!! I’ve been making this for the past year and a half, its not as uncommon in my house anymore.

702070_468595003196700_171299551_n

Okay, so this one might be a little odd, but what are you gonna do when you get the idea for carrot cake tea? How about microwave a carrot in your mug with water and a spiced tea bag! I used gingerbread tea, but chai would be awesome too! Then add stevia and almond milk. It worked haha!!

So you see, not everything I eat is really ‘normal’ but hey, its Strange but Good!!

”Sprint
In other news, I finally got my drivers permit today!! It took 3 trips to the dmv, one to find out I needed to bring my birth certificate, one to wait in line for an hour only to be called 5 minutes after the test cut off time, and the last to actually get my permit. But I did it (and only 13 months late, chyeeaahhh).
IMG_1008
Fun fact!! I was born in Yolo County!! Does this mean I have to come back when I’m old and gray?? haha!
Be sure to check out Laura’s link up party for other Strange but Good imaginations!!

WIAW(hen winter break was still a reality)

Hey!! Happy WIAW!! Two days back into the routine, and I’m ready for the weekend already. 5:20 is too eeeaaaarrrllllyyy!!!!!

But, I know you guys aren’t here for complaints, you want the requisite food photos (duh). So here ya go!!!

IMG_0829

Trader Joes Roasted Oats in a Jar. Yessss!!!!

IMG_0771

Roasted brussels (on the stalk, soo good!!) and vegan mac n cheese (cannellini bean base, not quite mac n cheese. This recipe is definitely in the future!)

IMG_0983

My favorite combination salad (kabocha, cranberries, honey mustard) with a begging Sophie in the backgroud. Have I mentioned my dogs are almost as addicted to kabocha as I am? They bark at us if we don’t give them any….

IMG_0946

Peanut butter banana soft serve topped with dark chocolate sauce and pretzels. I really don’t care how cold it is outside, we had a banana build up in the freezer and I had a blanket.

IMG_0902

These are ridiculous. ‘Nuff said.

IMG_0898

Reunited with my favorite raw almond butter (TJ’s forever!!), on top of apple pie oats. Only need one pic because I basically ate this all week.

IMG_1010-1

Except for today, when I had it with blueberry pancake oats (hint hint! Add a bit of baking powder to oatmeal and it tastes doughy, like pancakes 🙂 plus cinnamon and vanilla, obvs.)

IMG_0987

Green enchiladas that my family has been making for years, evolving as our diets did. except we don’t actually roll them, so its more like green enchilasagna 🙂 but its delicious!! I will post a recipe someday!

IMG_0993

And for dessert that night, I made Oh She Glows’s Pear Crisp for Two. Except I used cinnamon and coconut sugar, plus fig plum jam instead of coconut oil. It was delicious. Oh and I topped it with the flax ‘meringue’ I mentioned the other day. It worked!!! so frothy 🙂

IMG_1002

It also works wonderfully to top lattes with, just like a real fancy drink haha!!! Its great, I have a container of ‘cappuccino foam’ in my fridge (my favorite part anyway!)

IMG_0773

Chocolate tofu pudding topped with chocolate almonds…

IMG_0709-1

and sometimes triple chocolate magic cookies 🙂 my chocolate genes have finally kicked in!!

IMG_0944

Feeling very ambitious one night, I whipped up a wonderful end-of-break dinner for my family!

  • Orange Spiced Sweet Potatoes (sw. potatoes, satsuma orange juice, a dash of maple syrup, cinnamon, ginger, and cayenne pepper)
  • Curried chickpeas (chickpeas, curry powder, other random spices, and date-tamarind sauce)
  • basalmic-dijon brussels sprouts (carmelized red onion and mushroom in balsamic vinegar, then added the sprouts sliced thin, dijon, a little honey, and spices)

IMG_0778

One more salad to balance it out (you know me. Addicted. Whatever its delicious!)

Happy WIAW!!

 

Monday Musings

Its my official last day of winter break (sad day). Sort of feeling both sad break is over, but glad to go back to school. I like waking up and getting ready at the beginning of the day, and not being in jambes till lunchtime. Sorry, I just can’t eat lunch in my jammies. Today I thought I would just throw a bunch of random pictures up, since all I’ve been posting lately is recipes (and not very often, might I add…sorry! )

IMG_0763

 

I found this while organizing the other day, and I honestly have no idea what it was for. Does that ever happen to you? Maybe it was pancakes…

 

IMG_0831

 

I never know which silverware I will want to use, so I do this. Usually I end up with the baby fork or spoon. Its 1083205x more fun 🙂

IMG_0980

 

My mom just got back from the grocery store. This makes me so happy. (What, doesn’t everyone store their squash on the toaster?)

IMG_0962

 

Hands down the most depressing part about January. No more Christmas.

IMG_0917

 

IMG_0914

 

IMG_0929

 

IMG_0927

 

I spent two days organizing all of the recipes my mom has printed out over the last two years. And recycling all of the repeats/8 year old recipes for meaty cheesy eggy things. We ran out of page protectors until I found the old recipes, now we are set for life. Holy Gee Whiz.

 

IMG_0939

 

One of the recipes I found was for flaxseed meringue, so I decided to to try it out. I forgot where it was, but basically you boil 3 C. of water with 1/3 C. ground flaxseed, bring it to a boil then let it simmer for 20-30 min (except I simmered it for like, 45 minutes because it seemed really thin). Then you strain it and are left with the goopy flaxseed (like yolk) and the thick, slimy water (like egg white). After it cools, the “egg white” part is supposed to whip up like meringue, but I haven’t tried it yet. I might use it for a recipe instead, lets see….

Oh, no pictures but I finally finished Drivers Ed! I procrastinated for like 6 months (after already being a year late) and it only took an hour (doh.) Gonna go get my permit now!

Sorry for the absolutely randomness of the post, I had a lot of pictures, but not too much to say I guess. Oh well! Happy Monday!!

Triple Chocolate Magic Cookies

Happy New Year!!! I hope you all had a safe night, mine was rather hectic! A bunch of friends and I went downtown to see fireworks at 9:00 pm, they were gorgeous. We stayed to bop around shops for a little while and then something I never wanted to experience happened. Walking down the street amongst all of the other families, we heard 5 loud bangs and everyone started running. We realized it was gunshots, and ducked behind a car with a bunch of other people. It was loud and kids were crying, then there were more gunshots and then I looked up and saw the police were there. It was over very quickly, but my friends and I were literally 50 feet away from it all. After we all grabbed hands, found the parents and ran to our car, everyone calling home. When we got back, we just put on our pajamas and watched the news. Two dead, three injured, and Old Sacramento was evacuated and the midnight fireworks cancelled. The story is here. Needless to say, I am very ready for all of these horrible shootings to be over. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the families, let 2013 please be a safer year for all.

So this week our heater went out. It was very old, and we were very cold.

IMG_0832

 

The oven helped keep the house warm though, we found out. So we made cookies. The same ones you saw on Christmas. I think we’ve made these like four times in the past week and a half. I was going to give you the recipe earlier, but never got a photo shoot set up until now. Because this kept happening.

IMG_0717

 

only one left…so sad 😦

These things are seriously the best ever. My favorite cookies of my whole life. I’m usually not even a chocolate person, but these are heaven.

So I made them again last night for NYE

IMG_0850

 

Lucky for you guys, there were a few left this morning so I could finally take a picture! I found out they weren’t photogenic, but sprinkles are 🙂

IMG_0887-1

 

We’ve made them so any times we are literally out of half of the ingredients to make them. So no more until we go grocery shopping.

IMG_0889

 

I can’t decide what to call them. Triple chocolate my boyfriend broke up with me cookies? They are that good. Or maybe Chocolate Wasted cookies.

Oh I know!! They keep disappearing so how about

Triple Chocolate Magic Cookies

makes 24, but I would double the batch. They will disappear before your very eyes!!

yes these do contain some alcohol, it is my mom’s recipe, but it bakes out. If you don’t want to use kahlua, almond milk is fine, just add a little more sweetener

  • 3/4 C. cooked sweet potato
  • 1/4 C. almond butter
  • 1/2 C. brown rice flour
  • 1/2 C. dark cocoa powder
  • 1/2 tsp. baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp. sea salt
  • 3/4 tsp. baking soda
  • 1/4 C. erythritol, xylitol, or cane sugar
  • 1/4 C. brown sugar
  • 2 tsp. vanilla extract
  • 1 tsp. instant espresso powder
  • 3 T. kahlua or almond milk
  • 1/2-3/4 C. dark chocolate chips
  • dark cocoa powder, almond milk, sweetener

Preheat oven to 325 F. Line a cookie sheet with a silpat or parchment paper. In a food processor, blend sweet potato with almond butter until creamy. Then add the rest of the ingredients up up to chocolate chips and blend. Scoop dough into a bowl and add chocolate chips. Drop by rounded tablespoons onto the cookie sheet and bake for about 10 minutes. Take out, press cookies down to be flatter, and bake for 2 or 3 more minutes. Allow to cool on pan for a few minutes before transferring to a cooling rack. Meanwhile, mix a few spoonfuls of cocoa powder with sweetener to taste and a splash or almond milk (I don’t have exact amounts, just add ingredients until you get the right consistency). Mix until it forms a frosting like paste. Spread onto cooled cookies and top with sprinkles, candy canes, etc.

IMG_0886

 

These are seriously addicting.