Yes. Thats right, silence. In my mind. Silence has never sounded so good.
Let me back up. Its secretly been a rough couple of weeks. Remember my Smash the Scale post? God that was so inspiring to write. Too bad the morning after I posted it, I still wasn’t following it.
And I haven’t been completely honest since then, to anybody. I have weighed myself almost every single morning, I have cut back on my breakfasts a little more everyday. I have compared. I have gone on secret runs when I was home alone and I have made myself dinners that were almost nothing but vegetables. I have had horrid stomach aches because of the insane amount of vegetables eaten with no grain or fat to help break down the nutrients. I have been succumbing to the thoughts. And the whole time I was saying I wasn’t doing it. I was saying it was all better. I was lying.
Sometimes I think the worst part of an eating disorder is all of the lying. You yourself don’t even know what the truth is anymore.
Yesterday I had a counseling appointment. It was hard, but then again when isn’t a counseling appointment hard? I am always emotionally drained after, and get headachy and moody for the rest of the day. I am like a tea kettle. I am like a boiling pot. I am like a one year old that didn’t take a nap. You get the idea. That evening, my mom and I went to the mall. As I stood in the changing room (okay in all honesty it was Victoria’s Secret and I was frustrated that nothing fit right.), I looked at myself and was mad.
I was mad that I was ‘fat’. I was mad that I didn’t love my body. I was mad at how things fit. I was mad that things (bras, in all honesty) never fit the way they should. I was mad that what has happened over the past two years has led me to these thoughts and to the body I have. I was mad and I was embarrassed. Embarrased that here I was, a sixteen year old girl in a changing room crying my eyes out because I couldn’t take the weight of the world.
And the whole time, the thoughts in my mind kept telling me to watch myself. Look at me, my big eyes all red. Its so beautifully tragic. My life is going to be like this forever, and I will never be happy because I enjoy how tragically beautiful a life with an eating disorder is.
I sucked it up, told the attendant that yes, I am fine, I found what I needed, thankyousomuchbye. And my mom bought the two bras that I had been hoping would somehow magically make me feel beautiful, but didn’t really because upon a second try-on I scrutinized and said that I was doomed.
The ride home was silent. But as soon as we parked I spilled. I cried. I finally told my mom things I had been holding in since ‘graduating’ from my outpatient program. And I did this for almost an hour. And as I cried and threw a fit I watched myself in the car mirror, the mascara running down my face. so beautifully tragic. I was angry. I was exhausted. I posted on Facebook and took a picture of my tragic, tear-stained face because life is so hard and I don’t know what to do.
This morning I woke up. I washed my face. I put in my contacts. And I didn’t weigh myself. I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t want to. I ate a normal amount for breakfast. I didn’t even think twice about adding a bit of extra granola (unmeasured).
When I walked my dogs I was horribly confused. I was confounded. What was going on? What felt so different about today? I thought hard, and when I tried to think about my next meal (like usually happens after breakfast) I found that I couldn’t fathom eating the same thing as always. I wanted a sandwich. And I realized I didn’t want to measure a perfect 1/2 cup, no 1/3 cup, no make that 1 tbs. of rice the next time I ate rice. I wanted to just scoop, like I used to. I wanted to listen to my body. I wanted to trust myself. I did a ‘body-check’ and I actually didn’t scrutinize, I didn’t analyze. And then I decided to stop thinking.
I am done with it all. For real this time. I haven’t heard the voices today. I actually even tried to listen for them, and they weren’t there. My head is silent.
I stopped listening to my mind, and I started listening with my ears. I heard the sound of the breeze through the trees. I heard a bird. I heard the cars on the street. I smiled, and I couldn’t stop. I felt free. I felt strong. I felt beautiful. I saw a butterfly and I felt like that butterfly. Its not even like I am at peace. I am peace. Its incredible.
Today when I ate lunch, I actually put tahini in my hummus. I didn’t care. I ate peanut butter with a spoon and I didn’t think twice. I didn’t think at all.
And I haven’t stopped smiling. And I never will.